Tonight I Will Hold You Closer Than Anyone Could Ever Get
The past couple days with you have been wonderful. Even though there is always that hurt and loneliness that comes with distance, I know you will hold my heart so tight and I’ll always hold yours. That’s something that will never change.
I know it took me a long time to call. But even by doing so, I hope it proved something, because it was definitely hard to do. Going back to something that reminds me of the past, reminds me of being crazy. It’s hard to even talk about sometimes you know, being faced with what you thought you had escaped. I’ll do it for me, I’ll do it for you, and I’ll do it most importantly for us.
I know you are feeling sad because you miss me right now. Words cannot even describe the heartache in my world without you. I need you in my life every day, and every long night. I fell asleep so fast last night with my arms around your pillow, and a hint of your scent in my nose that put me to sleep. It’s such an intense feeling, but not nearly as powerful as it is when you’re right beside me. That, is the perfect world. The most perfect feeling.
I can’t explain what’s happened in the past few weeks, as part of me does not have the guts to do it. You had me convinced I would never change. When you told me that, I thought about it…and I believed it inside although I told you otherwise. I didn’t know, I thought I fucked up way too much to deserve you, for what I put you and everyone else around me through–so why bother change? Well, all fingers point to the fact that I need to grow up sometime or another, because…I have not been acting myself. The person you first met in July. I don’t know what happened to me in the middle. I do know that I am going to change, and I do have something to prove. I have been thinking about how I have been acting, the things I’ve been doing…saying, the things I’ve heard from your mouth and the pain attached to those words. They’ve all effected me.
There’s a couple things I know I’m certain of, and it is that I will change. I’ve felt hopeless, lost beyond all recognition, and believed I have failed so many times in just this one lifetime. I should have held my head when instead I would hit it. That could mean anything and everything, everything and nothing, everything and something. In otherwords, maybe it’s good, maybe it’s bad. I’ve learned so much, felt so much, experienced so much that I could never go back to anything like I was before. I can’t be like that anymore. I’ll take what I have learned, and peel off a layer of myself that should have been rid of my body a long time ago.
Chantal, everything that’s happened, all of what was spoken and done between us, created and destroyed within us…all the pain, all the happiness. Anger, fear, and self-loathing. Insecurity, hate, and being overwhelmed to the point where our bodies felt as if they would immediately turn to liquid and freeze to the floor. These things that I’ve seen before. Things that are new to the both of us.
Every. Beautiful. Feeling…
…Could only mean it’s worth it in the end. My life had only began when I met you.
I love you.
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