I Don’t Feel Like Writing
Although I don’t feel like writing, I won’t be able to sleep. I don’t know what to write, just that I feel worthlessly defeated. Not good enough, even though I try so hard. I am scared to say the wrong words, in fear that you will take back your love for me, or regret me. I want nothing more than to be with you, but words that I hear from you shatters my world. I’m frightened to post this. There is happiness here, but it’s clouded by how my failed attempts at proving to you that you’re my everything bite me in the face. Blinded as if a wall of stone was put in front of me, and having my hands too broken to break it down again. But I try anyway and it comes crashing down on both of our feet. I would eat every piece of the stone at your feet if it would go away. I just feel as if everything is my fault. To have that kind of burden, and knowing it’s because of things I say, or not say, or do, or not do…I feel like I should suffer a thousand times more. Just because it hurts the one I love the most, the one I would die for, the one I would kill for, the one I hold closest to my heart, and my heart only…the one. That one person, my baby girl, is wounded. I’d give everything to change that, and when I think I’m doing okay…I’m actually being a shit girlfriend.
I can’t sleep. My head keeps me up, thinking too much, about how I could have said things differently, or if I’d just stop crying. It’s hard to control my emotions when I can’t speak them. Sometimes I’d like to think they don’t exist, and I’m not real.
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