New Life/Forever Love

The next two weeks bears many new changes for us. All of which brings excitment to my thoughts and warmth to my heart. Sure, there is a sense of nervousness tangled up in me that will forever be there, but we’ll be holding hands just as we promised each other. It makes the future seem indestructable between you and I. All the more comfortable.

Finally getting out of that Pizza Delight job, finished on the first of September. A week after that, I start again at a call center as an inbound customer service representative. For four dollars more an hour than what I get paid…I would rather deal with raging customers on the phone than slaving away around a hot stove for sometimes ignorant, and undeserving people. Bring on the cubicles, full-time hours plus weekends and a job with my girlfriend. Mmkthanks.

Our life together is basically falling in place perfectly. We couldn’t ask for more on the deals we have received, and thanks to one of our dearest friends, we have a home together now. It’s all happening, it’s all becoming more and more permanent. I want my paranoia to leave with the changes, and my anxiety along with it. It will be a breath of fresh air when that day arrives.

I just feel such excitement within myself, that I felt the need to write, to express. I remember in our earlier days together, how simple and susceptable we were to each other. The struggles, I mean. And lies, oh the lies. It all seems like such a bittersweet memory. We’d sing our tunes to each other about love and stories of once upon a time. Dropping our guards to each other. It was a long time coming, but everything is worth it in the end.

A forever life with my forever love.

“Soulmates Never Die”

This is perhaps the BEST performance of the song “Sleeping With Ghosts” by Placebo that I have ever heard.

“You Have Been So Many Things To Me Along The Way”

You introduced me to this woman’s music. I want to thank you.

I try to fight the tears that want to rush through my eyelids when I listen to the strum and picking of the guitar and lashings of her heart in the longing tone of her voice. It really makes me think, and wish and hope for things. Reminds me, takes me to the deepest, most detailed area of my thoughts. This in turn creates an instant need to crawl up your body and wrap my arms around your waist and bury my head in your neck, but I quickly realize you’re not here and I’m frightened back into thought again. They cannot be dealt with. And then the tears hit. All I want to do is write.

I am not quite sure why I am so curious about your past with her. I am not quite too sure why I bothered reading so deep into your blogs and tried to compare myself to her and the things your wrote about her…try to picture what you said to her…when I know that it makes me so depressed I begin to feel my body start to decompose. I wonder if you miss her, or think about her in ways you shouldn’t. …I keep reading the previous sentence and cringe all over, my feet are cramped and toes entwined. Then I tell myself I am silly because you never could think of such things. Although my mind hesitates and all of it becomes questionable again because I think of how I damaged your heart in the beginning. I guess I question what I do not understand and the search for reasoning with myself commends, knowing it will never be found. I do think about it, but I know if I never lied to you in the first place, there wouldn’t be a scratch on our souls, and I take full responsibility for this disheartening moment in my head.

Strength is the key. Our hearts our the chests. You are my treasure. I’ll keep you safe.

“The past will always be the past, my love”.

Amy Campbell says it the best.

Again, I want to thank you, Chantal. If it wasn’t for your love and tender heart that you so vulnerably tossed into my hands, I would never have experienced anything like this. Please never let go of my heart, it’s the only thing I am scared of.

One Year, And Counting

This is the most beautiful feeling. Like a reward being granted to our hearts, we made it. I have never seen so far ahead in time, and been able to take a glance at life and say with confidence: I can see myself there, happy and never alone. Never alone again with you in my life. Happiness is around every corner with you, Chantal. As bright as the sun shines off your beautiful visage, it is just as illustrious as the future we have in the palms of our hands…in the stains of our love, and the essence of our souls. Our passion is everlasting and we are eternal, just as you are the meaning to my life.

We have made it this far for a reason. Lived through the days unbearing to most. Crossed the bridges to the unknown…the forbidden places our minds could not take without each other to hang on to. Found ourselves alone, found ourselves alive, but most importantly…found life in each other. Without you, nothing else would matter.

And I never want this to end.

My Dreams Will Eat Me Alive

I wish I never opened my mouth and vomitted those words. And because of these actions, I will always be alone. Terrified of myself and underserving.

wrds.

Sometimes it is so painful…so painful. Certain words that circle the truth, or so what I’ve always believed was the truth. I have never in my life thought highly of myself in any aspect other than my knowledge of music. I’ve always been ashamed of who I am and what I have become. I have always heard such things…but never from someone else with this much love in our hearts. I have only seen myself as these degrading titles. Maybe that is why it is so hard to accept. I can accept it if it’s my thoughts, but it’s a whole new feeling coming from the only one I could ever love like this. It’s natural for me to hate myself, natural for me to be annoyed with who I am. I know it is the anger, I know it is my silence before and after. I also know we are not going to talk about it anymore, but that just might be the problem. Those words eat me alive. They have been since I heard them. I don’t even know how such a beautiful mouth could form them. I’ve cried about it more compared to a lot of things I have been called, from the people that don’t even matter. This time, it was like I tried to see through it, but all I could see was mental images of myself inflicting the necessary pain to my body in order to distract the fact that these words were being said. I’d look in your eyes, and let your words cut me while I inhaled and accepted them. Upon exhaling, I felt the daggers in my chest start to sing their anthem once again, while the chorus of words mocked me mentally. I understand everything that was right and wrong in that situation…I know we’re already past it as we always somehow manage in the end of our arguments. We find each other through words of sorrow, words of hatred and words derived from the poison our mouths created in the heat of madness and intolerance. It is just so much of a shame how most blow-ups can be ultimately avoided…but it only takes one reaction to create another. We can be the answer to our own problem. Just…please don’t let go of me. Even with what is said.

It’s hard to believe how much I love you. I don’t even think you know sometimes. My intentions are not to upset you, be a bad girlfriend, hurt you for the sake of hurting, or whatever it is heartless people do. My heart is the size of a mountain, and I’ve always cared way too much. It could be a flaw, could be a positive attribute. I just know my heart of a mountain would always survive an avalanche for you.

Existentialism

Do I exist?

Or is my body merely a shell of an innate view of my “self” to walk the grounds with. I tried seperating the feelings from my body because they don’t define who I am; seperating the thoughts from my feelings and body because they are constantly changing and also appear to me as a blanket to cover my “self” with. So let me ask this next question: does it matter that before we were born we were nothing? All of a sudden life happens, and we’re faced to create something out of nothing without meaning, only to give it meaning…but for what reason? It’s not meant to be a depressing thought, but naturally we don’t have control over anything that is processed in our minds so what’s the point of simply being?

Then why, might I also ask, do I feel so drawn to you? So in love with you, so attached that I feel like my life has meaning? What does it mean when the fear of the unknown and these three distinct parts of my “self” become so tangled up in your soul that it creates a fourth sense of reality–my love for you. There is not one thing in this existence that could answer any of these questions as to why we met, why I’ve never felt this before…

I was inspired this morning to write. I was intrigued by the thought of existing and reality so much that I craved the answers until I created my own. Because that’s what we do, we create the world around us. Somehow, our souls found each other among this creation. And that means something.

I will forever love you Chantal, until my existence means nothing.

Surreal.

The words ”surreal feelings” and “faded”. Repeating in my head for a couple days now. Felt them knock the breath out of my chest despite the inhalation of smoke and euphoria; watched it weigh my arms to my sides. Read your eyes, mirrored a liquid in mine. I wanted to be held and surrounded in a pleasent scene of memories from the summer and reminded of the power behind your lips from our first kiss. I felt them die inside you, too. Those feelings never left me, but were only taken over by the constant paranoid thought of you leaving me, cheating on me, secretly hating me, or even worse. These things are not true, I believe you, I just get lost sometimes and need help with what’s true.

I promise I’ll bring them back to you, if it’s the last thing I do. 

I love you Chantal. I’ll never let go.

Divine

About seven months ago, I would not have known how to speak the words “love” and “forever” in the same sentence. Now it is all I can think about. We figured out how to spell the words and make them sound so beautiful. And while we lay in bed together and ponder these thoughts, our worlds revolve around each other. Like my body revolves arounds yours, and the shocks that leave our lips when we kiss…it all just makes sense. There is nothing else I need when I am with you. The feeling of being complete is so asbolutely perfect, so intensly magnificant that there are no physical motions strong enough to express it, no exact words to describe it, and no limit to the potential it can hold.

We are in love.

Tonight I Will Hold You Closer Than Anyone Could Ever Get

The past couple days with you have been wonderful. Even though there is always that hurt and loneliness that comes with distance, I know you will hold my heart so tight and I’ll always hold yours. That’s something that will never change.

I know it took me a long time to call. But even by doing so, I hope it proved something, because it was definitely hard to do. Going back to something that reminds me of the past, reminds me of being crazy. It’s hard to even talk about sometimes you know, being faced with what you thought you had escaped. I’ll do it for me, I’ll do it for you, and I’ll do it most importantly for us.

I know you are feeling sad because you miss me right now. Words cannot even describe the heartache in my world without you. I need you in my life every day, and every long night. I fell asleep so fast last night with my arms around your pillow, and a hint of your scent in my nose that put me to sleep. It’s such an intense feeling, but not nearly as powerful as it is when you’re right beside me. That, is the perfect world. The most perfect feeling.

I can’t explain what’s happened in the past few weeks, as part of me does not have the guts to do it. You had me convinced I would never change. When you told me that, I thought about it…and I believed it inside although I told you otherwise. I didn’t know, I thought I fucked up way too much to deserve you, for what I put you and everyone else around me through–so why bother change? Well, all fingers point to the fact that I need to grow up sometime or another, because…I have not been acting myself. The person you first met in July. I don’t know what happened to me in the middle. I do know that I am going to change, and I do have something to prove. I have been thinking about how I have been acting, the things I’ve been doing…saying, the things I’ve heard from your mouth and the pain attached to those words. They’ve all effected me.

There’s a couple things I know I’m certain of, and it is that I will change. I’ve felt hopeless, lost beyond all recognition, and believed I have failed so many times in just this one lifetime. I should have held my head when instead I would hit it. That could mean anything and everything, everything and nothing, everything and something. In otherwords, maybe it’s good, maybe it’s bad. I’ve learned so much, felt so much, experienced so much that I could never go back to anything like I was before. I can’t be like that anymore. I’ll take what I have learned, and peel off a layer of myself that should have been rid of my body a long time ago.

Chantal, everything that’s happened, all of what was spoken and done between us, created and destroyed within us…all the pain, all the happiness. Anger, fear, and self-loathing. Insecurity, hate, and being overwhelmed to the point where our bodies felt as if they would immediately turn to liquid and freeze to the floor. These things that I’ve seen before. Things that are new to the both of us.

Every. Beautiful. Feeling…

…Could only mean it’s worth it in the end. My life had only began when I met you.

I love you.